The first time I met Erica was during Bloggy Boot Camp. We sat together at the back of the room and chatted through the entire class. (Sorry to whoever was teaching!) We had an instant connection. Erica, author of Mommy’s Still Fabulous, truly IS fabulous….intelligent and fun and adorable all rolled into one. Today, Erica is guest posting about a very touchy subject….The birds and the bees, The TALK…
I am very aware that one day, my daughter will have sex.
It’s something no parent really wants to think about, but it’s something every parent needs to know how to address.
How do you talk to your kids about sex?
While my daughter is still too young for “the talk” {she’s one} it’s not too early for me – and other moms and dads- to think about how we’re going to talk about sex with our kids.
I’m not a prude, but I want to make sure my kids grow up knowing that actions come with consequences, and that what they see on television and the internet is rarely the norm.
I recently spoke with a child psychologist about the subject, and thought these few takeaway thoughts might be helpful for parents.
- Use the right words. I have a friend who refers to her son’s penis as a “perdinkle.” I have no idea where she got this name, but when you make up names, or use a cutesy version of a name, you are giving a message that private parts need to be secretive. While kids need to know their body is theirs, and body parts should not be shared, it’s important they identify their bodies with the correct terms and that they know the difference between “okay” and “not okay” touches.
- Say it right. It’s not always about how much you know, but how you say it. Be calm, open, and have a good attitude. Kids will sense your comfort and know it’s safe to talk to you about it. If you’re not comfortable talking about it, it’s okay to say, “You know, I need to think about this and talk to you about it later. Can we meet again tomorrow?”
- Take cues from your kids. You need to read where they are coming from in the conversation. Let them tell you they’re ready, and then make time for them.
- Keep the dialogue ongoing. The more you talk about it, the more comfortable they will be talking to you about it.
- Talk about real issues. Present sex as a beautiful thing between two loving adults, but don’t ignore the realities. Talking about the real issues: pregnancy, sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and life threatening disease like AIDS isn’t just something that happens in one conversation. It’s an ongoing communication that starts early and continues throughout adolescence.
Most importantly, know that because you’re talking to your kids about sex, doesn’t mean that you are giving them permission to have it. Research has shown that open parent communication about sex does not appear to be associated with increased activity.
That, my friends, is fabulous.
So, have you had “the talk” with your kids? Have they asked about it? What wisdom could you share with other parents?
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Erica is definitely fabulous! I had the pleasure of meeting her at the after Bloggy Boot Camp mingling that night.
I haven’t had the talk with my son because he is 3. The thought of it does sends me into quite a panic. I remember my mother sitting down with me and going through an age appropriate book about sex. I want to say I was 11. I am pretty sure I was in 6th grade going into 7th grade. As embarrassing as it was for me, I am glad that she didn’t keep me in the dark from the topic as her own mother did. We maintained an open dialogue for years after the official talk. I had more education than my mother did at my age and was able to make informed decisions about my body and my sex life. I am proof that talking about it doesn’t make your child want to run out and have sex. I got the talk at 11 and waited until I was 18.
.-= Joanne @ Barely Domestic Mama´s last blog ..What happened to The Mama… =-.
Great advice. It is so hard! I’ve been through it twice and dreading doing it twice more. However, I would stress that if you’re doing it right it’s just as hard with boys. I stressed to my son his responsibility and also his powerlessness–if a girl gets pregnant he has very few options.
I think we need to remember it’s an ongoing conversation that changes over time. Open up to the subject now, and (hopefully) it will be easier to talk about when the stakes are higher.
.-= erica´s last blog ..I’m a Lostie =-.
Of course! For free too!
LOL I need to forward this post on to my poor husband. He discovered last night that our oldest daughter wrote a short story in which the two main characters — kissed. I think his whole world caved in. She and I have discussed the mechanics of sex, thank you arrival of younger siblings, and we’ve discussed becoming a woman but I know there are many more talks to come. It scares me a lot but I hope if we can be open we will stay close and she’ll be willing to talk to me when it’s important.
This is definitely a conversation I know I want to have (unlike my parent’s who just ignored that entire portion of my life), but it’s so scary. When is the right time. Don’t want to do it too early or too late. Great pointers.
.-= Ms. Understood´s last blog ..I’m scared y’all =-.
Ugh – this is a huge fear of having kids for me, as I know that I’ll be absolutely dreadful at bringing this up and talking about it, and it’s such an important issue.
So what I’m saying is – Erica, will you talk to my future kids about sex for me?
This scares me. But thanks for the tips. We’ve had a couple interesting convos recently around here, totally caught me off guard. Did you know they start the puberty video in 3rd grade in some schools? That’s when my kids got it.
.-= alicia´s last blog ..Friday Flip Offs! =-.