I was never what you’d call a great athlete. I was a star at ballet, but that was pretty much it. I stunk at soccer, basketball, volleyball (ouch!), and every other game they made us play at P.E. and recess when I was a kid.
And forget Winter sports. I tried skiing several times and completely failed. My knees were not made for it. My best friend in elementary school tried to get me to love ice skating. But I didn’t. I love watching the Olympics, but I had to accept the fact many years ago that I was not cut out to be a star athlete.
Then I got an idea. Why not make my own Olympic events that I am good at? Looking at the Proctor and Gamble line of products (and an impressive line up it is!) I was inspired to introduce the first Mommy Olympics. I am GOOD at Mommy stuff. Couples figure skating? I don’t think CandyMan would go for that. Cross-country skiing? Nope. Not even snowboarding or ice hockey or curling (though I might be able to compete at hair curling, if that was an event).
Here’s my list of Mommy Olympics events, inspired my P&G products. Which events would you compete in?
* Nail Polishing: This is a speed and precision event. Disqualifications for polish on skin or smudges on the nails. Even is over when all ten toe nails and all ten finger nails are set and dry. If the participating child decides that she no longer likes the chosen color, athlete must start over again.
* Running (Up and Down Stairs without Breaking a Sweat): To compete in this event, the athlete must be carrying a laundry basket full of dirty clothes and a crying toddler on the hip. While talking on the phone. Winner is determined by the amount of sweat that is collected by a very scientific instrument. Extra points for good smell.
* Wrestling Brushing Toddlers’ Teeth: Each tooth must be brushed equally while holding screaming and wiggling toddler still. Artistic points given for songs sung, and technical points for a willingly opened mouth.
* Kitchen Floor-Cleaning: The judging for this sport is highly technical. You’ve heard of the white-glove inspection? This event is judged by the “White Legging Inspection.” Crawling babies are set loose on the cleaned floors, and leggings must remain completely white for athlete to advance to the next round.
* De-stinking Husband’s Smelly Shoes: Not for the weak-stomached. This is an event only for the toughest of athletes. Judged not only on the smell (or, more appropriately, the lack of smell), shoes are also judged on appearance (polished, laces properly laced and tied, tongue straight, etc).
* (and my favorite event) Diapering a Baby: The grand-mother of all the Mommy Olympic events. Diapering. Probably the most challenging event, and certainly the event with the most honor attached to the winner. Not only are athletes required to change a baby’s diaper, but they must keep the wriggling baby on a limited space (points deducted for baby going out of limits). Points awarded for speed, wiping proficiency, securing of tabs, and after-smell. They’re considering bringing back the cloth diaper event soon.
* This post was sponsored by Procter & Gamble, to highlight their support of the athletes and families that participated in the 2010 Winter Olympics. And now a word from P&G:
This widget is meant to be interactive. So go ahead and click. Comment. Thumbs up or down. And then go be an Olympic Mom.
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